[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Love is always patient and kind.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.