My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You Might Also Like
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My life in a nutshell
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots