There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.