My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.