That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
i love modern commerce
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The old gods are rising again.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators