I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
fourth time’s the charm
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!