We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
had to share :’)
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.