[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
We have a winner.
decorating my apartment
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail