“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.