I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
my retirement plan is braless
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
fired
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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