Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in