[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]