Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.