I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.