one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.