I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.