When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Can. I. Help. You.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.