Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*