My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’m going to need a moment here.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert