It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Mountain Goat : )
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.