heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.