Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
You Might Also Like
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me trying to walk in a dream
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
That’s it.I’m out.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.