[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My work here is don’t.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.