I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.