on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that