waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is