Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Living the best life.. 😊
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.