5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’m ready for Halloween this year
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.