6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
You can’t outrun your problems…
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
FRED: right
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.