I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument