Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
What even happened today?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?