I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.