Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!