Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.