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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years