The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.