Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”