My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Fidel Castro was alive?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it