Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water