Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
You Might Also Like
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”