Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging