Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…