A short story about romance.
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#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
how long have you had this for?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.