Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?