Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.