On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
A completely valid reaction tbh
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes