Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
absolute chaos
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille