Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?