Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’ve been drinking.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.