Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The first one, obviously
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”